After 3.5 years, Wellness Island is closing its doors permanently.
It has been a great experience to be at the very beginning of mental health resources and education in SL, and heartening to see how many groups and individuals now offer resources. We are proud to have been helpful to so many in providing library resources, speakers at your events, middle of the night IM support for your needs, and so much more.
We are closing because we are low on two vital resources - money (I purchased and have paid the tier for the island since it started, thousands of US dollars out of pocket) and time (RL clients and work have skyrocketed lately, and time for SL has become scarce). It has been a very worthy cause and if time and money were not an issue, we'd still be open. But, real world trumps SL, and it's time for a change :-) A good one, I think!
The Counseling Center will still continue in SL and we are scouting locations now. I will not only still offer in-world mental health support to individuals, couples, and groups, but is expanding to offer Skype and webcam sessions as well. Only good changes there.
For now we still have a mainland annex with public resources - LM in my profile.:
This will likely be changing as we will need something a little bigger and more private. Details to come as we have them. Our Groups will stay open as well.
It has been wonderful working with so many of you, and thank you for your support over the last few years. I will still be around, so say hello sometime! All updates will be in my Profile and on our website www.slwellness.com or my blog
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Sl Stalkers
Excellent article from Ruthed.com on an issue that needs to be addressed more openly in SL - stalkers.
http://ruthed.com/2010/03/12/sl-stalkers-truthed/
.....................
SL Stalkers tRuthed by Lashy
There was an entry several posts down that I really felt for. I’m talking about the Stalker post. We know, seen, and heard about all the primpeepee-runners and skirt-chasers in SL. But these are all the tolerable setbacks of the cavemen-personas who populate SL. They’re gnats we can bat out of our way and go on with our SL days.
Aside from the occasional accusation of stalkery that sometimes stem from team-hysterics, how often do we really talk about the truly demented types in SL? And what did they exactly do to invade our little SL bubble? This isn’t the average “they said, we said thing, big mess, big noise, done by next Tuesday” thing. This is the kind who don’t back away after snarling at them to keep their distance. Where you hear rumbles about them but it goes away due to some serious PR-control. I’m talking about the screwed up personalities who upchuck their venom of twistedness on unsuspecting people, ensuring that if they can’t manipulate or inflict some control on others in RL, they can try and exert it on folks in SL.
Honestly, we all operate with this sense of a security blanket: “As long as we’re encountering these people online, we’re okay. We’re safe.”
Well, at the risk of sounding paranoid and fear-mongering, I’m going to burst your bubbles and say, sorry sweeties, you’re not entirely safe. Don’t assume the sociable stranger chatting you up at a live musician event is right in the head. Or the guy with the cute profile pic who IMs you randomly praising you for this and that is just friendly.
For starters, those who have their SL names plastered on Flickr, Plurk, Facebook, etc accounts, you’re already exposing yourself to get random IMs. I admit I have one of these accounts and I tell you, one was already enough. The moment my account gained more visibility, the more IMs I received in SL. Really weird IMs like “Hi, beautiful” Or just the unspoken friend offering that I would automatically turn down only to get an aggressively emo IM saying: “You don’t want to be friends??? Why you gotta be like that?”
And this is where I get pissed off. Becuz stalkers, have this sense of entitlement. They think they should be your friend and by not wanting to get to know them, you’re suddenly a mean person and hurting their feelings. They put the pressure on you, manipulating your emotions to feel empathy and make you be more sociable online than you’d be in person. I HATE THAT. And I hope most of you don’t fall for that bullshit.
Realize this, a stalker has been watching you for awhile. They have your whole story (and when I say “your” it’s you and him/her) made up already in their head. While you might be encountering them for the first time, in their head, they’ve had this conversation with you forever. So if they start asking, why, how could you, what did I do wrong?, etc, at the slightest whiff of rejection, there’s your sign. Restraining order, mafia friends, whatever. Get rid of that. ASAP.
I’m telling you it’s effed up. The best thing to do … don’t talk to anyone LOL. I know that’s extreme but in addition to what I mentioned above, here’s some flags that could tip you off:
1. Unusual closeness. — How often is it that we will meet our soulmate or meet a kindred spirit? Don’t kid yourself. It’s pretty damn rare. As rare as our individual DNA’s. So the chances of meeting someone who can relate to everything you mention is highly unlikely. There’s something weird about having a conversation with someone who’s too agreeable or praising for the mundane details of your small talk. Talking to you with a flair of familiarity that is a lil unnatural. Only long lost identical twins make headlines with this kismet connection. Not some schmuck in his underwear hacking at his keyboard while he eyeballs your avatar.
2. Too eager, clingy. — A healthy individual can stand on their own. Constant offline IMs, TPing to you the moment you log in (no mapping rights FTW), and this pushy need-to-know-everything is suffocating and just not right. If they are spouting nonsense of love, relationships, trying to jump on your poor avie’s bones without any preamble, and this is only the second time you’ve chatted them up. Seriously, you’re not that irresistible. That eagerness is coming from a deranged place. Especially if you’ve done nothing to invoke that kind of response. Chatting with someone doesn’t mean it will lead to anything erotic or romantic, but these folks don’t get that. Already, you saying “what’s up?” is foreplay to them.
3. Admitting to conflicts in the past — sort of. It’s the commonly joked about observation in SL … the ones who have “NO DRAMA PLEAZ” or any overtly anti-drama sentiment in their profiles usually indicate that they’ve been in one heck of a mess before. The stalkery types will usually admit to having conflicts with previous folks, but not go into great details, only to say the other person went apeshit. Like they were blameless in the drama. I can almost guarantee that’s not the case. We all have flaws that we don’t like to broadcast to people, but it’s another thing when the person goes out of the way to make others look bad and in turn make themselves appear almost victimized in the situation. Hey unless, it’s like, their ex held them hostage ala-Misery style well then, duh. But the jist of a stalker’s portrayal as the blameless one is that they are trying to impose an impression. To stroke your empathy and lower your guard around them.
4. Not taking no for an answer. — It’s like what I said earlier, if you try to keep your distance, they make you out to be the bad guy. But don’t waver in your decision. Whatever debate they bring up is coming from a place in their head where they think you already belong to them. Don’t entertain it. Mute. And I know some of you take a while to mute. Cuz you have to know what they are saying, but it’s only opening up the opportunity for them to get you to take the bait and talk to them. These folks can actually be quite manipulative and persuasive. So mute. Ignorance is bliss. Be grateful it’s as simple as that sometimes. And here’s another thing, just becuz we are all online doesn’t mean we have to suddenly forego our sense of personal space. Any guy or girl who tries to grope me or my man in RL is getting impaled by my stilletto. That applies in SL too. Those ~smiles and kisses~ emotes really annoy the piss outta me. ~Kisses hugs~friend offers~ back off dude you don’t know me. Folks, you’re not impolite when you tell them grabby pervs to get the hell away from you.
5. Overly sexual, dramatic, extreme, attention-whoring. — You know it’s like, there you are talking casually then the person suddenly lays it on thick like emoting kisses, undressing their avie, or going down a hate-the-world spiral, becoming really down on themself, and whatever odd little shit to supposedly entice some reaction from you. And it’s so out of context. Like there was nothing leading up to that kind of behaviour. It’s akin to being in a coffee shop talking to some guy about java beans and then suddenly he bangs his head into your crotch. Like wtf? And please don’t flatter yourself thinking, omg my avie is so hot they can’t help themself. I think you’re all fabulous but yeah, pride is a drug. :P And then there’s the dramabonanza spectacles. Threatening to either slit their wrists or cursing the world for its flaws. (Like whoa, the world, society, life is flawed? Like that’s so like deep. Err. Am I supposed to be enlightened? How bout yeah, get over it and yourself?) Try to calm them down, you’re accused of not understanding them. Try to get them to talk, they get all withdrawn as if they’ve got a pandora’s box of information to give to you. You’re just not doing enough to get through to them. Don’t make it a burden. You’re not a therapist. These theatrics are usually done to get you to put some kind of attention on them. Sometimes to extract overt concern, protectiveness. It’s needy, manipulative. And way too easy to get sucked into. And for them, it will never be enough.
I can go on and on, but I’m just speaking from my observations. I have to say it’s a scary situation to be in. This’s coming from someone who’s proud to be paranoid. A wise man once told me it just meant I was more aware. Anyhoo, SL Pepper spray, anyone? o.o
http://ruthed.com/2010/03/12/sl-stalkers-truthed/
.....................
SL Stalkers tRuthed by Lashy
There was an entry several posts down that I really felt for. I’m talking about the Stalker post. We know, seen, and heard about all the primpeepee-runners and skirt-chasers in SL. But these are all the tolerable setbacks of the cavemen-personas who populate SL. They’re gnats we can bat out of our way and go on with our SL days.
Aside from the occasional accusation of stalkery that sometimes stem from team-hysterics, how often do we really talk about the truly demented types in SL? And what did they exactly do to invade our little SL bubble? This isn’t the average “they said, we said thing, big mess, big noise, done by next Tuesday” thing. This is the kind who don’t back away after snarling at them to keep their distance. Where you hear rumbles about them but it goes away due to some serious PR-control. I’m talking about the screwed up personalities who upchuck their venom of twistedness on unsuspecting people, ensuring that if they can’t manipulate or inflict some control on others in RL, they can try and exert it on folks in SL.
Honestly, we all operate with this sense of a security blanket: “As long as we’re encountering these people online, we’re okay. We’re safe.”
Well, at the risk of sounding paranoid and fear-mongering, I’m going to burst your bubbles and say, sorry sweeties, you’re not entirely safe. Don’t assume the sociable stranger chatting you up at a live musician event is right in the head. Or the guy with the cute profile pic who IMs you randomly praising you for this and that is just friendly.
For starters, those who have their SL names plastered on Flickr, Plurk, Facebook, etc accounts, you’re already exposing yourself to get random IMs. I admit I have one of these accounts and I tell you, one was already enough. The moment my account gained more visibility, the more IMs I received in SL. Really weird IMs like “Hi, beautiful” Or just the unspoken friend offering that I would automatically turn down only to get an aggressively emo IM saying: “You don’t want to be friends??? Why you gotta be like that?”
And this is where I get pissed off. Becuz stalkers, have this sense of entitlement. They think they should be your friend and by not wanting to get to know them, you’re suddenly a mean person and hurting their feelings. They put the pressure on you, manipulating your emotions to feel empathy and make you be more sociable online than you’d be in person. I HATE THAT. And I hope most of you don’t fall for that bullshit.
Realize this, a stalker has been watching you for awhile. They have your whole story (and when I say “your” it’s you and him/her) made up already in their head. While you might be encountering them for the first time, in their head, they’ve had this conversation with you forever. So if they start asking, why, how could you, what did I do wrong?, etc, at the slightest whiff of rejection, there’s your sign. Restraining order, mafia friends, whatever. Get rid of that. ASAP.
I’m telling you it’s effed up. The best thing to do … don’t talk to anyone LOL. I know that’s extreme but in addition to what I mentioned above, here’s some flags that could tip you off:
1. Unusual closeness. — How often is it that we will meet our soulmate or meet a kindred spirit? Don’t kid yourself. It’s pretty damn rare. As rare as our individual DNA’s. So the chances of meeting someone who can relate to everything you mention is highly unlikely. There’s something weird about having a conversation with someone who’s too agreeable or praising for the mundane details of your small talk. Talking to you with a flair of familiarity that is a lil unnatural. Only long lost identical twins make headlines with this kismet connection. Not some schmuck in his underwear hacking at his keyboard while he eyeballs your avatar.
2. Too eager, clingy. — A healthy individual can stand on their own. Constant offline IMs, TPing to you the moment you log in (no mapping rights FTW), and this pushy need-to-know-everything is suffocating and just not right. If they are spouting nonsense of love, relationships, trying to jump on your poor avie’s bones without any preamble, and this is only the second time you’ve chatted them up. Seriously, you’re not that irresistible. That eagerness is coming from a deranged place. Especially if you’ve done nothing to invoke that kind of response. Chatting with someone doesn’t mean it will lead to anything erotic or romantic, but these folks don’t get that. Already, you saying “what’s up?” is foreplay to them.
3. Admitting to conflicts in the past — sort of. It’s the commonly joked about observation in SL … the ones who have “NO DRAMA PLEAZ” or any overtly anti-drama sentiment in their profiles usually indicate that they’ve been in one heck of a mess before. The stalkery types will usually admit to having conflicts with previous folks, but not go into great details, only to say the other person went apeshit. Like they were blameless in the drama. I can almost guarantee that’s not the case. We all have flaws that we don’t like to broadcast to people, but it’s another thing when the person goes out of the way to make others look bad and in turn make themselves appear almost victimized in the situation. Hey unless, it’s like, their ex held them hostage ala-Misery style well then, duh. But the jist of a stalker’s portrayal as the blameless one is that they are trying to impose an impression. To stroke your empathy and lower your guard around them.
4. Not taking no for an answer. — It’s like what I said earlier, if you try to keep your distance, they make you out to be the bad guy. But don’t waver in your decision. Whatever debate they bring up is coming from a place in their head where they think you already belong to them. Don’t entertain it. Mute. And I know some of you take a while to mute. Cuz you have to know what they are saying, but it’s only opening up the opportunity for them to get you to take the bait and talk to them. These folks can actually be quite manipulative and persuasive. So mute. Ignorance is bliss. Be grateful it’s as simple as that sometimes. And here’s another thing, just becuz we are all online doesn’t mean we have to suddenly forego our sense of personal space. Any guy or girl who tries to grope me or my man in RL is getting impaled by my stilletto. That applies in SL too. Those ~smiles and kisses~ emotes really annoy the piss outta me. ~Kisses hugs~friend offers~ back off dude you don’t know me. Folks, you’re not impolite when you tell them grabby pervs to get the hell away from you.
5. Overly sexual, dramatic, extreme, attention-whoring. — You know it’s like, there you are talking casually then the person suddenly lays it on thick like emoting kisses, undressing their avie, or going down a hate-the-world spiral, becoming really down on themself, and whatever odd little shit to supposedly entice some reaction from you. And it’s so out of context. Like there was nothing leading up to that kind of behaviour. It’s akin to being in a coffee shop talking to some guy about java beans and then suddenly he bangs his head into your crotch. Like wtf? And please don’t flatter yourself thinking, omg my avie is so hot they can’t help themself. I think you’re all fabulous but yeah, pride is a drug. :P And then there’s the dramabonanza spectacles. Threatening to either slit their wrists or cursing the world for its flaws. (Like whoa, the world, society, life is flawed? Like that’s so like deep. Err. Am I supposed to be enlightened? How bout yeah, get over it and yourself?) Try to calm them down, you’re accused of not understanding them. Try to get them to talk, they get all withdrawn as if they’ve got a pandora’s box of information to give to you. You’re just not doing enough to get through to them. Don’t make it a burden. You’re not a therapist. These theatrics are usually done to get you to put some kind of attention on them. Sometimes to extract overt concern, protectiveness. It’s needy, manipulative. And way too easy to get sucked into. And for them, it will never be enough.
I can go on and on, but I’m just speaking from my observations. I have to say it’s a scary situation to be in. This’s coming from someone who’s proud to be paranoid. A wise man once told me it just meant I was more aware. Anyhoo, SL Pepper spray, anyone? o.o
Monday, February 22, 2010
New upcoming interview
I was contacted recently by a man named Kevin, conducting interviews on health and wellness in Second Life. Sharing the rough draft of questions and answers here:
1) The first question I have for you is, how does the Second Life user relate to his/her Avatar? I know this is a very broad question, but it is very interesting to me. I have heard theories that say the Avatar is the virtual representation of one's ideal self. Do you think that's true?
Yes and no. We have actually done some pretty extensive studies into the idea of avatar and identity in SL, and have found as many variables as there are residents. Some do use the avatar to represent ideal self, no question. Some take great pains to make the avatar as much like the person's RL appearance as possible, including wrinkles and grey hair. More and more avatars are less Barbie-doll like and more realistic. Some choose to be furries, nekos, or tinies. Some to represent an ideal, a fantasy...some just because we can.
2) Your work is all about people. How effective is SL as a medium for connecting with people? Does it have advantages compared to Real Life?
Surprisingly effective. I would not have been able to predict the ability to create a therapeutic alliance with a client over a two-dimensional, text-based medium - but it happens. The effectiveness correlates with my RL connections with RL clients. Where it falls short, as a clinician who makes every effort to maintain professional integrity and ethics, is that there is no responsible way to offer the same services in-world as we can in person. I don't have medical records, identifying information on all clients (even if it is offered, it may not always be accurate), or most important, the person right there in front of me. Let's say a person comes in to talk, and reveals they are actively feeling suicidal. My limitations in SL are never more apparent in situations like that. I offset that by making sure I provide clear information on policies, procedures, and limitations before I ever sit down with a client. And more often than not, referral to RL help is what I find is most needed.
Advantages though are many. Anonymity, low cost, accessibility (whether geographic or due to a person's inability to get out of the home) are a few benefits. In addition, most RL mental health clinicians will likely see Second Life as a symptom, not necessarily as the medium in which the symptoms occur, if that makes sense. They will hear "I met a woman in a virtual world and we are having problems" and not be able to get past "virtual world" as the perceived problem.
3) Do you have any success stories about SL residents that have reached out to you for help who have consequently made a positive change in their real life? If so, is there any way you can share an example with me?
Many such stories, yes. In order to preserve anonymity of my clients (which is as important to me in SL as it is in my RL work), I can share some generalities. Number one I think are the times working together in Second Life results in the client feeling more comfortable with reaching out for connections in Real Life. In a safe space, they may gain confidence, a sense of normalcy, a feeling of hope. For many I have been the first, safest step toward connecting with wellness in the broadest sense. Second Life also can provide a platform in which to work through RL issues, whether they are social anxiety, negative body image, or difficulty communicating.
4) You entered unchartered when you became the first in-world counselor. Since that time, SL has become a popular place for universities, large corporations, clothing brands, real estate developers, and now health clubs. Why do you think SL has taken off as a place for these various ventures and activities?
First, to clarify, I was not the first in-world counselor...maybe the second or third. Wellness Island was the first sim devoted entirely to mental health resources and support, and perhaps we are the most mainstream and RL-like service.
That said, since 2006 the number of people signing up with the hope of becoming in-world counselors has skyrocketed. Sad to say most of these are not licensed, credentialed, certified, degreed...they may be well-meaning, but many are not trained as therapists. My measure is this - if you are not qualified in RL, then don't claim to be qualified in Second Life. Peer counselor, student counselor...sure. But you may notice the proliferation of self-proclaimed doctors and psychologists, many of whom have zero qualifications. The implications of this are scary. Wellness Island offers a great deal of education material for consumers on choosing a qualified, ethical therapist.
The various ventures and activities you listed probably all have different reasons for exploring Second Life as a potential venue for their work. Retail businesses and entrepeneurs may see a potential for tapping into a great income. Universities and students probably see the potential for research and development as well. Those wanting to be clinicians but without training or experience may think that in a virtual world, less is okay - particularly since Linden Lab does not police their activities.
The actual potential for all of these may be less than hoped, as we see businesses coming in with a splash, then leaving after a time when the goldmine never materializes. I would definitely suggest contacting some of the ventures in question to ask what they had hoped for, and then what they found.
1) The first question I have for you is, how does the Second Life user relate to his/her Avatar? I know this is a very broad question, but it is very interesting to me. I have heard theories that say the Avatar is the virtual representation of one's ideal self. Do you think that's true?
Yes and no. We have actually done some pretty extensive studies into the idea of avatar and identity in SL, and have found as many variables as there are residents. Some do use the avatar to represent ideal self, no question. Some take great pains to make the avatar as much like the person's RL appearance as possible, including wrinkles and grey hair. More and more avatars are less Barbie-doll like and more realistic. Some choose to be furries, nekos, or tinies. Some to represent an ideal, a fantasy...some just because we can.
2) Your work is all about people. How effective is SL as a medium for connecting with people? Does it have advantages compared to Real Life?
Surprisingly effective. I would not have been able to predict the ability to create a therapeutic alliance with a client over a two-dimensional, text-based medium - but it happens. The effectiveness correlates with my RL connections with RL clients. Where it falls short, as a clinician who makes every effort to maintain professional integrity and ethics, is that there is no responsible way to offer the same services in-world as we can in person. I don't have medical records, identifying information on all clients (even if it is offered, it may not always be accurate), or most important, the person right there in front of me. Let's say a person comes in to talk, and reveals they are actively feeling suicidal. My limitations in SL are never more apparent in situations like that. I offset that by making sure I provide clear information on policies, procedures, and limitations before I ever sit down with a client. And more often than not, referral to RL help is what I find is most needed.
Advantages though are many. Anonymity, low cost, accessibility (whether geographic or due to a person's inability to get out of the home) are a few benefits. In addition, most RL mental health clinicians will likely see Second Life as a symptom, not necessarily as the medium in which the symptoms occur, if that makes sense. They will hear "I met a woman in a virtual world and we are having problems" and not be able to get past "virtual world" as the perceived problem.
3) Do you have any success stories about SL residents that have reached out to you for help who have consequently made a positive change in their real life? If so, is there any way you can share an example with me?
Many such stories, yes. In order to preserve anonymity of my clients (which is as important to me in SL as it is in my RL work), I can share some generalities. Number one I think are the times working together in Second Life results in the client feeling more comfortable with reaching out for connections in Real Life. In a safe space, they may gain confidence, a sense of normalcy, a feeling of hope. For many I have been the first, safest step toward connecting with wellness in the broadest sense. Second Life also can provide a platform in which to work through RL issues, whether they are social anxiety, negative body image, or difficulty communicating.
4) You entered unchartered when you became the first in-world counselor. Since that time, SL has become a popular place for universities, large corporations, clothing brands, real estate developers, and now health clubs. Why do you think SL has taken off as a place for these various ventures and activities?
First, to clarify, I was not the first in-world counselor...maybe the second or third. Wellness Island was the first sim devoted entirely to mental health resources and support, and perhaps we are the most mainstream and RL-like service.
That said, since 2006 the number of people signing up with the hope of becoming in-world counselors has skyrocketed. Sad to say most of these are not licensed, credentialed, certified, degreed...they may be well-meaning, but many are not trained as therapists. My measure is this - if you are not qualified in RL, then don't claim to be qualified in Second Life. Peer counselor, student counselor...sure. But you may notice the proliferation of self-proclaimed doctors and psychologists, many of whom have zero qualifications. The implications of this are scary. Wellness Island offers a great deal of education material for consumers on choosing a qualified, ethical therapist.
The various ventures and activities you listed probably all have different reasons for exploring Second Life as a potential venue for their work. Retail businesses and entrepeneurs may see a potential for tapping into a great income. Universities and students probably see the potential for research and development as well. Those wanting to be clinicians but without training or experience may think that in a virtual world, less is okay - particularly since Linden Lab does not police their activities.
The actual potential for all of these may be less than hoped, as we see businesses coming in with a splash, then leaving after a time when the goldmine never materializes. I would definitely suggest contacting some of the ventures in question to ask what they had hoped for, and then what they found.
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